See the Soviet Cetacean Soldiers

The famed “killer dolphins“, released into the Gulf of Mexico from an American military compound during hurricane Katrina have finally been recaptured and will be on exhibit at Florida’s “Flaquarium ” from April 3rd to 5th, 2009.

Russian military specialists trained the dolphins at Sevastopol before the head of the programme, Boris Zhurid, was forced to sell the animals after funding cuts in 2000. A joint American PETA-Military team purchased the animals soon afterwards.

The recent recapture is a relief to ocean-goers everywhere, as the dolphins are highly trained and extremely dangerous. It is rumored that some had escaped the compound armed with large hypodermic syringes filled with pressurized Co2, a deadly dolphin accessory for any wetsuit-wearer mistaken they mistake for a terrorist.

Tom LaPuzza, Public Affairs Officer for the Space and Naval Warfare Systems Center, conciliates the obvious concerns of showing these cetaceans to the public:

“The Mark 6 Marine Mammal System is completely safe. Each animal is accompanied by an expert handler who will be in the water giving direction while a team of [my] staff will monitor the perimeter of the compound…However, should there be a terrorist incident at the Flaquarium, I cannot assure the safety of those involved.”

For more information on the exciting event or to order advanced tickets, please email Flaqthis@florida.state.gov.us.web.com.

(from the April Fools issue, 2009)